HOLY SHIT!

Sorry for the vulgarity, folks, but holy cow, have I got some BIG NEWS.

Are you sitting down?

okay, good.

Here it comes.....

WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!!!

you read it right, twins!

A baby girl and a baby BOY (finally!)
I am so unbelievably happy right now, that I am with out a good description of how happy I am! ME, SPEECHLESS? YEP!

So, I think most everybody knows we were originally looking to adopt a toddler, and were in the process of having a home study done at the beginning of the year. Well the next part of the story is that I ran into a gal I used to work with, and she was pregnant, and not wanting to keep the baby. She was willing to give the baby to us, and we were more than grateful to receive the baby.

Well, that was in March, and we knew the baby was due end of October/November.
The mother was not too keen on going to the doctor, and had been putting it off for a LONG time..I was actually beginning to worry a bit, because she was 4, 5, 6 months pregnant without any prenatal care. But, who's to judge, this baby was coming, healthy, or not, with or without the doctor check-ups.

The mom had been complain that this pregnancy was "Different" than the last, and she was way more uncomfortable and tired, etc.

All I could do was offer to hook her up with the needed connections for insurance and the midwife I had used previously....I urged her to go, and hoped for the best.


That was about one month ago....

SO, I stopped in to see her at her job today and asked how things were.

she says that she went to the doctor.

I was on pins and needles to hear ANY news at this point. I asked if ever thing was okay,and if the baby was healthy, if she was okay, etc.

She says:

"Oh, I'm fine, but THIS one AND THIS ONE are a real pain!"

I was hooting and howling, jumping up and down, and then I realized she might be just kidding me. I asked if she had a definite due date,and then she said:

"End of October....wanna see the ultrasound pictures?"

And there they were, two little cuties, nestled up together.
Picture one: "baby girl"
Picture two: "baby boy"

Can you believe it?
I only found out a few hours ago, and I feel like I am finding out I am pregnant for the first time all over again....I tried to call Jeffy, but there was no answer at home....AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
I had to sit on the news for the next few hours all by myself!

SO now I guess the real preparations need to begin....we gave away all of Mallory's baby stroller/car seat combo thingies and a whole lot of other "new baby" things because we thought we were done with "little" babies.

Holy crap, I got get this place together so Jeff and run the ship while I am at work!

I don't even have the cribs yet? AAAAGGGGHHHH!! Holy cow!

The minivan only hold 7, and we are going to be a family of SEVEN in just 2+ months.

Abby better learn how to change a diaper really, really soon, because Jeff and I are going to have our hands VERY, VERY full, very, very, soon.

Anybody got any "twin" advice for us?

Got any cribs/swings/car seats you have been meaning to get rid of in a garage sale, and have been putting it off?

Send 'em our way, we can use ALL the help we can get!!!

I guess this means I am also gonna have to go shopping for that REALLY little baby stuff, too, like "preemie" size, because they will probably be a lot smaller.
We are also taking name suggestions.

holy shit.

With that said, I leave you....I better get a full night's sleep while I can.

HOOORAY FOR MORE MESSER-BABIES!!!!!

"WAG MORE, BARK LESS."

I saw this bumper sticker the other day. What a great slogan.

My husband and I have a theory that I must be part dog, or have been a dog is a former life.

My bark can be pretty snarling and vicious, but it doesn't really mean I'm a bad dog

I have an incredible sense of smell. Not always the best thing when there is a dirty diaper in the house.

I like to ride with my head out the window.

I love to have my head scratched. Seriously.

I get excited when people come home, and have been known to look out the window, just waiting for them to return.

I have been known to whine a lot when my food dish is empty. I also like to drink a lot of water.

I get very annoyed when my nose is too dry. I Neti pot rather regularly to keep a moist nose. Sounds weird, but it is very true.

I like my bed to be full of lots of pillow and have to rearrange them until I am comfy. My chihuahua has the same problem.

sometimes I wag my "tail" when I am excited.

I am always ready for a long walk followed by a even longer nap.

I am very loyal, and can keep loving people, even if they have been rotten to me.

yes, it's true, I am part dog.

Wanna go for a walk?

love what you do!

Sounds kinda corny to some people, but that is the slogan an SBUX, and I really think it is a great one.
It is so nice to get up in the morning (sometimes 330 in the morning!) and actually look forward to going to work...imagine that.

I get to go play with coffee all day long and watch people's faces and eyes light up over and over again. Seems hard to believe that doing something as simple as knowing what someone drinks (Iced Decaf venti americano, extra cream) can rally make someone genuinely happy.

I just came home from work and I had another great day.I was at work from 430 this morning, and it is already 6pm and it feels like I was only there 4 or 5 hours.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely cherish the days off. All the other I jobs I had would take advantage of a person who will always show up and do their job well.

Not Starbucks...they only schedule you 5 days a week and NEVER EVER ask you to work overtime. A rested Barista is a happy Barista!

Another great thing about my job is all the great benefits and how there is always something new to learn. It really is an art, and if you take it seriously, a regular old Latte' can be quite delicious and magnificent if made with a little bit of love.

I like my co-workers, even if half of them are neurotic, and actually look forward to seeing them, even the complainers, if you can believe that!

Did I mention all the free drinks you care to have while you are working?
Yummy!
Anyhow, it is just nice to know that I can work in a place that really does it's best to provide a great place to work.

'nuf said!

Update: reconciliation with the Dad

Well, I did it, I took a step I was so sure I would never EVER take...I called my Dad. I got his voicemail, which, strangely, was a very bittersweet moment. It may sound a little weird, but His voicemail still has the same recording I put on his phone over 15 years ago.

How Bizarre to hear myself talking, when I expected him to answer. I gotta admit, it was a moment. I had some old tinges of "what am I doing?" and "am I REALLY ready for this? Is this the right thing to do"

I decided to quiet my mind and be as direct and concise as possible....anyone who know me, knows that I am not known for my "short" conversations. If anything, I am a prattler, a storytelling type of person, stream-of-consciousness, if you will, but out loud.

So here is a transcript, in a condensed version:

Me- "Is this the old man?'

him- "why jess, is this Chana?" (imagine somewhat whick Mexican accent)

me- "how are you, did you get my note?"

him- "yes, yes, I did, it was very nice. I'm getting old over here! Before ju know it, they will be puching me around in de wheelchair! How are you?"

Me- " everyone here is healthy and well....so, would you like to get together sometime?'

him- "oh, yes, most certainly, would you and your family like to have some brunch on a Sunday...we could meet somewhere, if that makes you feel alright?"

me- "that would be nice...."

The rest of the conversation was actually quite nice. I could tell he was trying to contain his happiness that I had called. I could also tell he was just trying to get the conversation completed without crying.

In a word, if felt nice to hear his old banter and to know that he had absolutely NOTHING BAD to say..I would imagine that he knows he is sort of on a "probationary" trial with me. he did not want to know where the house was, or what my home number was. It was as good as I could have wanted, actually.

I think we will take him up on the invitation, but I am not quite sure how soon.

That phone conversation took place almost 2 weeks ago, and he has not called me back since then. I think he knows that this is a sort of "don't call me, I'll call you " sort of arrangement.


For almost 20 years I had the most horrible dreams about my father. I would wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, choking on my own fears, sometimes screaming for help. Some nights I would be unable to fall back asleep, for fear the dream would pick up where it left off. All the dreams would be worse than anything I had ever imagined, but they persisted, no matter how long my husband could tell me it was not real, that he was there with me, and that all was safe and well.

Since the "telling him off" situation from last year, the dreams have slowly morphed...my dad would take on a minor role in a dream, or he would just be riding in the car with me somewhere, for absolutely no reason. Now he hardly ever shows up in my dreams,and they certainly have not been nightmares for quite some time.

It's nice to know that even the deepest wounds are capable of healing themselves with just a good amount of patience and careful introspection.

Five more months until the next TRI!

December will be here before we know it. As I drove past soccer fields tonight on the way home from the Y, I thought? Geez, winter will be here and outdoor sports will only consist of lameness such as the neadertal sport of choice...football.

The whole Tri thing is definitely becoming more and more addictive with each passing day. When I go for a run, for a small moment I think: "can I REALLY do this?"

Yes.

When I am in the pool, I visualize swimming in the open waters, which could be cloudy and choppy. Is the open water more difficult to maneuver? I think not.

To be honest, the least favorite leg right now is the bike....I used to travel long distances as a teenager on my bike, but as time has passed and weight has found it's way to the midsection, the idea of pedalling along and having my boobs move up and down is just a little annoying.


No matter, I will do it anyway and enjoy every strangely comic moment of it.

Yesterday was swimming and run. Today was swim, then weight training. I even tried to practice changing into my clothes quickly....it sort makes the idea of the "transition" in the Tri seem all that much more real.

Visualizing was very helpful in quieting an otherwise pretty noisy mind today.

also, the whole Spanish-only thing in the house has been lots of fun.

I think Jeffy likes it because he is somehow pretending my name is "Lupita", his dirty little Hispanic maid.

There has been a lot of "Si senorita" going on around here!

Blah, Blah blah, yada, yada, blah

In the ongoing and everyday renewed quest to try and un-do and do less everyday, I have decided that I should just speak less when I feel the need to speak more.

Today when I got to work I was really very annoyed at my 2 co-workers because they were late AGAIN. I get to work at 420 A.M. That's right, a.m.

The store opens at 5 a.m so there is only about 25 minutes to make everything you need to start serving those folk who get up riiiiiily early in the morning.

When there is only 25 minutes, if someone is late, we cannot go into the store until they get there, so if they are 5 or 10 minutes late, guess who gets to bust their ass making coffee and tea and ice and everything else...moi.

If it were only once in a while, I wouldn't mind, but when it is the same 2 people, every single time, it gets old real fast.

So instead of stomping around, or being sarcastic, or commenting at all, I decided to follow that old-school style mom advise.

if ya can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

I just wanted to simmer my Latina-hot-blood-thirst temper. Well, it worked great. I felt just great and it wet a good tone for the day. Of course my fellow starbuckians were a little weirded out that I was not in my usually great 430 in the morning mood.

Anyhow, I worked so well, that later today, after having a flurry of thoughts and stupid self-doubting moments I turned to Jeff and said:

"that's it. I'm going silent for the next three days until this blows over"

Of course, he was ready to call my bluff and said: "Why don't you make it 5 days?"

We have tried this before for and hour or 4 or 5, of for an entire evening....seems easy enough, but try it with 3 kids and it seems a little more complicated at second glance.

Anyhow, I thought, why not? I was thinking a good way to communicate the necessary was to speak in Spanish, or to switch to Spanish-only for the kids because they are far from being fluent yet.

No sooner had I thought it, than Jeff says : "solo Spanish?

Abby and I laced up our shoes and I got ready for another run with her. she only needs her shoes. I , unfortunately, have to put on a large arsenal of bras to keep my "girls" form smacking me in the face. Seriously, who wants to show up for work with a pair of black eyes?

(co-worker): "oh, my, chana has black eyes, is her hubby beating her?

(me): "uh, no, sorry, I just went for a 2 mile jog...forgot to put on 3 sports bras...oops"

All joking aside, we had a great run...this time she had a hard time keeping up with me...I guess I must be getting a little faster? I only answered in yes/no, or in Spanish.....man, can that kid talk a lot! I know where she gets it...Jeff and I are definitely not the silent types, but we are trying to change that a little bit.

So here we go on another silly messerman-style experiment with our kids in tow.

Saying less is always a pretty good policy. President Bush should try it more often.

Check out this cool clip of blah blah blah...it says it all, except Jeff did not draw me wearing my strawberry bucket-hat.

If you call the house and someone answers in Spanish, don't worry, you got the right number.

not too flubby to get some lovey

I just came back form the YMCA in our area. I am working on improving my swimming so that I can someday keep up with my friend Mel. (she is super fast in the pool).

So I am doing this Triathlon thing to the best of my knowledge. basically, my "knowledge" consists of this: I have to be able to swim 400, ride 15 and run 3 one after another all in one day.

By the way, I have no prior skill or training in the area other than that I am bullheaded enough to think that I can do it. I figure that I know that I can run three miles, I know that I can ride 15 miles, and I certainly can do 8 to 10 laps at the pool, so who says I can't do it all together? I am stubborn enough to think that it would be somewhat like giving birth...it takes a long time and you get really tired and thirsty, and somethings are going to be sore afterward.

sounds simple enough.

SO I have been trying to work up my lung capacity and stroke, speed and endurance in the pool by warming up all my muscles in the hot tub for 10 minutes and then plunging into the pool lap lanes and alternating between swimming front stroke and then flipping over and doing backstroke to catch breath, work my muscles differently.

Mind you, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.

Plus, I am afraid to swim with my face in the water, so I know it slows me down a lot.

Seriously, I have no idea what I am doing. I guess I figured I look ridiculous, but it is not a beauty pageant, and that is not why i am doing it. I just want to figure out how to make the water move past me better/more efficiently, so I have sought some help from an instructor....I am going to sign up for some private lessons.
what I should really do, is have MEL over, because she is like the gazelle version of a person in water...super sleek and cool...she was on a swim team, I think, and seems to know what the heck she is doing. she can even do those cool flip over and turn around things when you want to go the other way ( yep, I even don't know what that is called.)

So, I have to get to "the love."

I have long been ashamed of myself and what I look like. Pretty much from when I was a young girl I understood that you had to be thin and pretty to be liked and loved. Of course that is total nonsense, but this is not a realization that comes so easily. I have been know to refer to my mid section as being "flubby"

You listen to people tell you baloney for long enough when you're a kid, and you begin to accept it as truth.
Never mind that these people are complete idiots.

So I think that I have walked through life thinking I cannot wear tank tops, shorts, swimsuits, etc (anything else that most women dread)
Thing is, when you are hot, a long shirt and pants sucks. It is a lot easier to move and work in clothes that were meant for what you are doing. I have come to terms with the fact that if I want to keep doing Tri's I am going to have to ear a wetsuit at some point.

guess what? I'm ready now!
What changed, is that I think with trying to let go of all the old baggage from have 2 total dips for parents, and realizing that not all men are evil and out to get you.
I mean, I was nearly raped by a boyfriend (and survived to kick him in the balls), molested by 2 family members, and I 'm still standing. if people who I knew and trusted tried to hurt me and did not succeed, I DOUBT that a complete stranger can even come close to hurting me.

I mean, come on, I have wrestled my way free from more than one attacker, and that was when I was much, much younger, and not even close to as strong as now.

I think somehow, in the very recent past, I realized that I cannot be made the victim unless I exude fear and timidness.

So, today Iwalked into the hot tub full of 40/50 something men and sat right down next to them.

In the past, I would avoid going in, or wait until it seemed less threatening to me. That age group of men is tied to some very raw/scary memories. I seem to be hard wired to look down, look away, or just zoom past a group of guys this age.

something must have changed because I guess it doesn't matter if they are thinking I'm

fat.

ugly.

stupid

weak

don't belong

I don't know what they are thinking, and for that matter, I don't really give a flying you--know-what.

I think of all the freedom this attitude brings with it and I hold my head high and look them right in the eye if they look my way. those days of being scared and timid are over.

Guess what? it WORKS!

I was talking about the weather and other such niceties. I left the hot tub and hit the pool. I swam long and hard, telling myself I have just as much a right to be in the lap lanes and those sleek, cool, seal-like creatures who are fit and trim.

I really enjoyed the swim and was amazed that swimming 440 was just as easy as 300 or 200 from the week before.

I decided to hit the hot tub one last time to run the jets over my sore feet from work.

As I was about to sit down, a 30-something guy said:

"hey, was that you swimming all those laps back and forth?"

(me) "yep"

(him) "wow. That was really cool to watch. Dang!"

(me) "thanks"

He decided to show a little lub to the gal who is a little flub.

Life is sweet in all it's magnificence.

'nuf said.

Coffee Seminar next thursday!

I am hosting monthly coffee seminars at the germantown sbux. they consisto of me picking a theme and/or coffees and presenting them for tasting and study.
Last month was lots of fun. The theme was "it's summertime! Terraza blend and Tanzania.

so the fun part is that I pick the coffees or the theme and then I find a "perfect pair" for them.

We sit around sip the coffees, taste the pairs and sip some more. I tell the peeps who come about the coffees. About the farms, the processing methods, aroma, body, etc.

It is really a lot of fun. So, the next one is on Thursday the 19th from 630-730 pm.

The featured coffees this time are Gazebo blend and House blend. Plus I will be making a fun Iced version of Gazebo with oranges and limes.mmmmmm! citrusy and yummy.

In other fun Sbux news, I found out that the district Manager wants me to have WEEKLY seminars, but the store does not have the amount of labor hours to afford to have me do it.

I also get to do the "coffee masters" program now instead of one year form now, which is super cool. You get a black apron that says 'coffee master" on it, which may seem silly to some as something to get excited about, but I am super happy about it.

Although I am having a great time with my "coffee journey" at the sbux, it is not completely without minor problems. There are other partners who have been with the company much longer than I have, and they have their own issues with why I get to do all this cool stuff, and they do NOT. They say it is not fair and that I have not been there as long as they have. I really do not let it bother me because it is my job, and I truly am passionate about what I do. I love the company, what it stands for, and all the great things they do for their employees from the growers all the way to the baristas.

It is definitely, without a doubt, the best place I have ever worked. I can easily see myself working there in 20 years. I know people may think it is a "corporate" company, but this "big" company does so much more for each partner, each farmer, each community than any other coffee purveyor I have ever heard of.

Enough about my love for all things starbucks.

If you are available on Thursday night, and would like to come and taste some coffee, lemme know, and I will save you a spot!

In other news, I have PMS and have decided that in order to keep my husband from throwing out my strawberry-picking ice cream bucket, I will wear it as a hat.

look away, this is not a pretty sight.

Is the shoto farm still able to have picking? Am I too late for the berries? I wanna make more jam!!!!!

later gators.

The joy of NOT doing.

Lately I have decided to do less.

talk less, think more.

worry less, work on self more.

preach less, practice more.

frown less,laugh more.

grumble less, thank more.

scold less, praise more.

regret less, aspire more.

hate less, love more.

seems easy enough on paper, it is a list of things just about any person would agree is a good thing to do less of/more of. Strange thing is, it only takes one moment of one day to start UNdoing the good stuff and begin to fall into old habits, old patterns, old ideas, notions, thoughts, dogmas, old and more familiar ways of doing just about EVERYTHING we do in any given moment.

I put a bracelet on in the morning a couple days a week simply because I dislike wearing bracelets when I work. They get in my way, and the get wet and annoying. Why wear the bracelet, then? because it is a physical reminder to manifest that which I choose to call my own ideology. Too quickly the gossip and drama of the job can suck you into the mean and vicious web of negativity.

The bracelet is gently and silently nudging me...."psst! remember me? Remember what you said you wanted to do today and what you wanted to NOT do? Just thought I would remind you, silly!"

Some days I could use 19 bracelets, a necklace, some nose rings and an arrow through the head, just to stop myself form doing all the wrong things.

Today was another nice day.

Didn't even need the bracelet.

why beaners love breakfast

Jenny Bertram and her sweet handsome hubby ( who I just met...again) invited the messerclan out for some tastiness at Beans N Barley. Immediately, I knew that I would be ordering the black bean tostadas with extra tomato, no scallion, with toamatillo green salsa.

Yes, it was before 9 a.m. and yes, I had it with a side of guacamole and Spanish rice and the lords cheeeeps. (see nacho libre for the reference.)

My hubbaloo did the usual blushing/eye roll when I asked the waitress if I could have lunch. He will never join me in my need for all things "lunchy" in the early morning. I also had a blue sky cola and an "orange rabbit" juice.

I used to work for the landmark theatres in my single days and would eat this same meal about 4 days a week, spending about 60% of my very low wage earnings at the time to pay for this glorious foodiness.

It has been well over a year since I ordered it, and thankfully, the meal has remained delicious in it's simplicity.

Why in the world would I eat sweets for breakfast when I could have salsa be a part of the meal?Both jenny and her hubby (whom I hope to meet again someday, for the first time) had the huevos ala cubana.....a meal I eat in my home about once a week when I have off in the morning.

scrambled eggs

black beans

salsa

tortillas

chorrizo (when I can find it)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

It is so nice to eat food that doesn't put you into a carbohydrate coma. I'm not sure what I enjoy more, the actual eating of the food, or the act of preparing it. Cooking these old favorites bring a flood of sensory memory with them. I am always happy to be making beans and eggs for breakfast.

My hubby talked and talked all morning long, to the point where I actually thought he was talking too much and so darn fast, I was feeling a bit dizzy. ( I am a VERY fast talker, so this is probably the 3rd time I have thought he was too fast for me)

Jenny has a face with a smile that is beaming and beautiful, like sunshine after a cloudy day. It was soothing and relaxing to be in the presence of a person who did not feel the need to complain, bitch and/or moan about a single thing. Her husband also had a calming effect. Someday, I hope to meet him.

the children grazed on delicious wheatcakes and MIN (mallory) had a face full of guacamole...it is fun to watch her make faces when she is acclimating her tongue to a new flavor or texture of food.

My old favorites from the grocery store were also available...vegan cupcakes form east side ovens, and poppy seed cake with butter cream frosting. I took some home for later and look forward to enjoying them, as I remember the crazy days of working at the movie house.

A special thanks to Jenny and her husband (even thought I have yet to meet him) for treating us to breakfast...had I known she was paying I would not have ordered all those tasty extras, but I can honestly say I do not feel guilty for doing so. Jenny and her husband have the aura of doing a good deed for the simple enjoyment of sharing the love.

I have not known jenny for that long, and I have NEVER met her husband, but I feel as if I have known her before, somehow...maybe we were pet iguanas to some strange old man one thousand years ago. I think she probably makes a wonderful sister and a all-around good friend. I hope to call her up soon and see her or her husband at their office to work on some foot pain I have been dealing with for about a year.

Better yet, it would be nice to have them over again....our last meal(feast!) was wonderful as we dined on pasta salads overflowing with fresh garlic and pine nuts, salsa, dip and cheeeps, and a dessert fit for a king...homemade chocolate mousse and fresh cool strawberries.

Anytime youse kids feel like swinging by the Messerpad, let us know. I can whip up the spinach penne pasta salad in a flash. same thing goes for any of you other friends out there!

fogive and foget? I think I'm ready

I am a survivor of a rather traumatic childhood. Sure, I was not denied food or shelter, and my basic needs were met, but i guess you can say I have survived every kind of abuse on the books.

My parents were definitely not the best. Most assuredly, I am in a category of people who have found a way to not repeat all the physically, mental and sexual abuse that was inflicted upon me. Someway, somehow, the cycle has stopped here with me and my family. We are not spankers. We are not hitters. We are not "yelling"type of parents. Our kids know what we expect of them because we have found a more humane and compassionate way of existing with them as a family.
Of course any parent has had their moments when they throw in the towel and yell at the kids, but for the most part, this is a very rare occurrence at the Messercamp. My six year old even knows that she can tell me I am stomping around, or seem impatient with her. I think it is her right a sentient being to be able to say: "hey mom, you are being a little crabby!" I know that coming from the background I come from, I am sort of predisposed to have an angry outburst, a loss of patience, and just bossy tyrannical behavior. These of course, are habits and behaviors I seek to change and diminish as time passes.

So many of my memories of childhood are sad ones. On the other hand, any child, no matter how poorly treated, can find the good in their flawed parent.

I have come to a new crossroads in my relationship with my own father. He was, indeed, an abusive, controlling, tyrant of a parent. He beat my mother, beat up on my brothers and sisters, and scared the crap out of me on a daily basis. He felt the need or want to control just about anything imaginable. I knew someday I would grow up and move away, and I did just that when I became engaged to Jeff. I sent him a letter and let him know that I no longer wanted or needed him in my life. That was nearly 10 years ago.

As recently as my last pregnancy, he found a way to sort of "track me down" He showed up where Jeff worked, and sort of snooped around hoping to run into him. He found a way to leave voice mails for him at work begging me to contact him. So I called him back, 6 months pregnant, and ranted at him. I let him have it, just like I had dreamt of doing for so many years. I let him know that if he ever came around, I would pretty much go postal and kick his ass....don't forget I've had plenty of training in martial arts, and he is 67 years old now....I felt pretty confident that the mother in me would take him out.

Now it is over a year later, and I am having a change of heart. I am beginning to be able to see the other side of my dad. He was and always has been a pretty funny guy. He's got a strange sense of humor, and seems to want to do nice things for people. I have plenty of memories of what a strange and wacky guy he could be on a good day.

Upon more reflections and trying to understand the nature of the illness that is bipolar, I see much more clearly that he was subject to his own demons. He had survived an unimaginable amount of abuse and was an orphan at about the age of 8. He lived on the streets with his brother who was only 2 years older than himself.
that's gotta mess a guy up a bit.

I am beginning to look in the mirror at what it is about myself and what I have changed and continue to work on. I can see a bit more clearly now that we share some of the same problems.
His actions should, by no means, be excused. He chose to behave the way he did. He did the things he did because he chose to do them. But I wonder even more about those more lucid moments....where did that come from? How could he be so darn nice, and so damn funny, yet have this Jekyll/Hyde side that would allow him to beat on a child until they we a crumpled mess on the floor? It had to come form somewhere, and I think I see now how all that is so very possible.
I used to judge myself so harshly when I would have a moment of impatience,annoyance or jsut damn anger when it came to those I love. I know now wher it comes from and why. perhaps I have judged a man, instead of simply judging his actions.

Perhaps it is time to offer an olive branch of non-judgement. Perhaps I can find a way to co-exist with the creature that I remember needing a hug at the end of a long day, who liked to laugh long and hard at "the three amigos" over and over again. Perhaps I can let go of the pain that was inflicted upon me and decide to be in control of the relationship, instead of being the one who is controlled.
I miss having someone to speak Spanish to, to go to the Mexican store with, to eat all those strange foods my hubby thinks are completely weird to have for breakfast. When I think of the things and the memories I miss, I see now that they are connected to the very man who I have hated all these years.

maybe I can find a way to hold onto those good things, those good memories, those good parts of him, and let go of that which I do not care for.

I think it is time to move on and move forward. I will write my father a note and invite him to know my family as it is now. I am in control of the relationship. I am no longer the child who was subjected to all those terrible events and if this new version of the reationship does not serve my needs, or does not meet the criteria my husband and I have, then we will just not continue to have it.

I think I am ready for this new chapter in my life.

Update:Lois and Rick watch!

There have been requests for photos of Rick (a cutie, I might add) and Lois(equally hot!) from Manty. Well, I have got my lovely blog beotch on the job, and he will post some photos when he has a spare moment. Turns out Lois actually is in the "Tri" circuit too....how strange!
Upon further request for information about their "activities" with their couple friend in Milwaukee, it seems that Lois was competing in a sprint ( a shorter triathlon) in the Sheboygan area and "made nice" with Babs. (by made nice, I mean got to know as a just a friend)

Apparently, one thing led to another, and the rest is history.

I have gotten Lois' ell number (partially out of curiosity and a need for juicy gossip) and have spoken to her once since running into her and her sweet hubby, Rick.

Seriously, you would never guess that these two are so randy in the bedroom...yikes!

The joys of the library and other free things

well, I have been enjoying the Cedarburg library on a regular basis for years, but I sometimes forget that they let you take the magazines home with you! Oh, JOY! Now I don't have to pay for them, be annoyed that I paid 5 bucks for about 110 pages of beauty ads, find a place to keep them in my house, or even make more garbage for the landfill! Once again, I feel like I have somehow gotten away with something. I don't have to even pay a rental fee! Maybe it is the fact that this kind of free stuff doesn't really happen in Mexico, and the wetback genes in me feel like we are about to get found out any minute and be deported by "la migra".

Sure, I was born in this country, and have lived here for the majority of my life, but you know how people from the "old" country are.. " don't throw that out, that is a perfectly good piece of plastic!" What are you THINKING! You can't throw out that 2 week old heel of bread, we could make some croutons out of that...SAVE IT, save it."

My hubby is a first hand witness to this....I honestly cannot bring myself to throw out old clothes, freezer-burnt foods, etc. Let's just say that i have a collection of mismatched and severely worn-out socks that I don't quite know what to do with.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a person who HORDES these things, it's just that I seem to feel the need to find a home or new use for them....can't those socks be dust rags, or something? The people at the local second-hand shop got so used to seeing me donate items i would pick up on the side of the road, that they finally asked me if I wanted a job there! ( I actually do a little volunteering there). Maybe it just comes from being part of a family of 7 people, maybe it comes from knowing a little too well what it is like to be poor as a kid, but I really have to work hard to put something in the garbage can.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about:

1. when furgzilla's shoes are worn out( but without HOLES in them) I make him put them in the "give away bag"
2. I actually have a designated area with a bin/paper bag waiting to be filled with "donations"
3. i have been know to take things off of the curb (other people's curbs) to take them to "family sharing" ( the 2nd hand/resale shop near here)
4. I once transported a frozen chicken that I didn't know what to do with to 3 different houses ( we moved 3 times in 4 years and the chicken came along) I honestly did not know what to do with the chicken...do you put it in the garbage, or try to figure out some way to give ti to someone. I guess I felt like there was some way to use this chicken...
5. pants that have a hole in the butt or groin, are torn or worn. I always say to Jeff..." give it to the poor..or maybe some guy who does roofing or something could use some old pants!" my husband has taken to leaving the room while shaking his head in disbelief.
6. I would rather put some strange, no longer usable item (like the handle to a sippy cup) in the give away bag, than put it in the garbage.

I guess I somehow feel if I don't put them in the garbage, I won't keep on worrying about how wasteful it is, or that I am filling the landfills with my junk. never mind that the family sharing building has a very LARGE dumpster outside the donation/sorting room. I have seen what happen to the stuff that is useless...IT GOES IN THE TRASH ANYHOW!

for the record,my sippy cup handle actually got put in a bin with baby spoons/cups, etc.

On the otherhand, I do know some of this need of mine has done SOME good... I donate all the pastry from Starbucks to the food pantry, and when my fellow partners at work don't want their weekly fee coffee, I give it to the pantry also. I have now gotten several sbux in the district to donate their expired coffee, which use to be thrown out. I feel a bit better knowing people who are down on their luck, or seniors, or families who need a little extra help are at least having some good bakery and coffee.

Thanks to some good therapy (and a pretty darn good therapist) and some careful self-examination, am am slowing finding it easier to throw out stuff that REALLY just does not belong anywhere but the garbage. sometimes I hand an old t-shirt with holes in it to Jeff and open the garbage can. I walk out of the room, and he tosses it in for me. Silly, I know, but I am slowly getting over it.

I now speed up and look away when I drive past perfectly good furniture on the side of the road in my affluent Cedarburg surroundings. I guess when you are too rich to know better, you just don't know better to donate to charity? I try to remind myself that I have a minivan for getting groceries, not for acting as the Ozaukee county charity-mobile-pick-up-van.

I guess all those years of feeling like I never was ever going to have enough have taken their toll and somehow left an indelible mark on me. Thankfully all things can heal with the passage of time quiet introspection . When that fails, I find a little seroquel with a chaser of BUZZ COLA does the trick.

peace.

holy SWINGERS, batman!

Well, the day is just about over, but guess who I ran into on the way outta town in the Manty area? None other thatn LOIS and her cute little hubby RICK! Holy cats these are some wild and CRAZY kids! Seems that since we last saw them they have become.... (brace yerself, now)....SWINGERS! "as in, to Swing!" (yes, that is a quote from one of my favorite films, Raising Arizona)

Holy cripes, 2 ordinary folks from a little town like manty head up to the "big city" (milwaukee area, to them) and "hook-up" with this couple they have known for a while now named Babs and Dirk.

Just when you think you know people, they go and pull a crasy thing like that on ya.

SHEESH!

what a lovely day

I am sitting and blogging remote-style at the pagely-bagley's house. we did lots of fun stuff so far!
First we drove out in our purple eggplant, and when we arrived we found that lilly's tongue had indeed been just as big, long, and friendly as we remembered. We proceeded to make a large batch of guacamole, grilled various meats and foods, and had a buffet of summertime goodies, poolside! We fed the baby her first taste of guacamole today...let us just say she is, indeed, a BEANER. I have never see someone put away so much avocado in so little time. The sun was out, so we slathered ourselves in an assortment of sunblocks,and jumped into the pagelly pool.
aaaaaahhh! Refreshing!
we exited the the pool, had some ice cream and headed out to the strawberry fields in SHOTO (near manty/t'rivers) We had the most lovely time pickin' and samplin' the berries in all their goodness.

I will have my "blog beotch" post photos later. we have since returned and are grillin' our second batch of foods including the new and tastey oscar-meyer "naturals" all-beef dogs...no nitrites or nitrates! only beef, celery salt, sea salt and some cane sugar...believe it!

check in later to See pitures, if they are not here now.

Summer lovin', had me a blast.
Peace-out.

p.s. Collin rocks. I think he may have a future in television writing or perhaps song lyrics/ joke-writing.

please don't hate me for being a pinko

Okay, so everyone knows I am a beaner. truth is, I am a bit of a commie(sorry). I actually have legal dual citzenship in both the US and MEXICO (arriba, arriba!) wheich was illegal until about 8 or so years ago. This means I can go to college for free in mexico, get free healthcare, and am entitled all sorts of "basic human rights" the rest of you kids may not get becasue you aren't citzens of a 3rd world country. (don't get me started)

whew! it is hard not to keep on ranting sometimes! Anyhow, on that note, I would like to know why EVERYTHING American has to be BIGGER, FASTER, BETTER, NOW! I know all the right-wingers out there are cringing at the idea of not having everything BIGGER, FASTER, BETTER, NOW! They will say it is our right as an AMERICAN to have what we want, when we want, as fast as we want it no matter whose little kid in China has to work day and night to make it.

To you I say SHADDDAP! Your opion is not needed, wanted or welcome here becasue guess what? I already know all your lame reasons (ahem, rationalizations). That said, I would like to point out a tiny little example of how we Americans are force feeding everything BIGGER, FASTER, BETTER, NOW! down our kids' throats. And before I give this example, YES, I own a TV, and YES, I let my kids watch it.

Follow these little links (which my hubba-loo so graciously has edited in for me) to see a perfect example of US versus Them on TV.

Click on the happy spider to download the first example.

The first example is "wow-wow wubzy" a show on a network I actually prefer my kids view(Noggin). Seemingly harmless, kid-firendly, great designs, etc. It even hammers home a nice little message with every show. NOw, the show is okay with me, but I can't help but feel a little overstimulated whilst I view it. I wanna run, jump around, and chant this song over and over until I pass out and develop ADD or ADHD or some other overstimulated version of myself.

The second example is a quaint little show from the BBC called "KIPPER". A sort of British take on "the odd couple" 2 friends and various acquaintences have adventures in their everyday settings....Everything about THIS show is:

...soothing...

...relaxing...

...tranquil...

...calming...

When I watch Kipper, I enjoy the minimalist style the artist has chosen to tell his little stories. Many are kipper's little adventures while daydreaming or imagining. I have NEVER seen one of my kids bounce off the walls like they do after watching a show like "wubzy"

FER CHRISSAKES>>>> even the title of the show has "WOW-WOW" in it! Not one , but TWO wow's!

Enough is enough.

I rest my case.