Happy Possum Day! A thanks to good friends

I have been meaning to enter some random thoughts lately, however, I have been enjoying my life in its simplicity so much lately, that I simply have not thought it necessary.

At the risk of sounding annoyingly blissful, I should like to thank some friends and folks some thanks for simply "being"

You may think I would start with my hubby and kids, but not tonight...I will save my thanks to them for later.

In no particular order of importance.....

Thank you to Melfriend, she is a light beam of sunshine bursting through a cloud in the middle of a sun shower. You have shown me more unconditional love and support without question than many people I have been related to, or even friends from my past that I had known for years.

When I wanted someone in the stands, you came and sat for HOURS, only to have to drive home almost immediately afterwards....you didn't balk when things ran late and we had no time left to hang out together. I guess you didn't know how much it meant to me to have someone there.
Sometimes it is hard to be the biggest, oldest woman in a sea of buff, slender muscle-bound men and 16-22 year old women. It's even harder to feel confident to get out there and possibly get your ass kicked by a 20 year old kid that weighs 100 ponds less and is almost 7 inches taller than you.
I did it, and am proud to say I even knocked that young blood down and out of the ring 3 times...I felt a whole lot more confident knowing you were cheering me on.


When I wanted to go on a crazy bike event, with my 10 year old bike amongst a sea of uber-athletes with bikes costing more than motorcycles, You showed up!

You rode along the rolling hills in Cedarburg as one after another one of these super-fit folks whizzed by. It didn't matter that they were probably done with the bike tour in a quarter of the time it took us, you rode next to me, behind me, in front of me, and it was one of the best days I had this last summer.
When I want you to come and play, you always say yes, and thankfully, Greggy lets you go.

He could easily keep you to himself, but instead shares you..how nice!

Of course, I could go on and on about your wonderful hubby. He is a wonderful friend to my Furg, and I am always so happy and grateful for their friendship with one another. Had they not found one another, I would not have had the joy of meeting little Mel. I would have been happy and content to simply have Jeffy and Greg reconnect, but now I have this other great gift of getting to know a person I am glad to call a true friend.

Thank you Pagels, I am thankful for you both!

To another friend, Nikki, whom I have known for nearly 7 years now....Thanks for getting to know me. I may interrupt you when you are talking, I may talk in LONG run-on sentences, and I may talk A LOT, but you are always quietly listening.

I guess I just feel so comfortable around you that you are subject to my lack of social graces when it comes to conversation....Jeff knows (very well) that I have a long-standing bad habit of cutting people off in mid-sentence. Sometimes a thought comes so quickly, that I have a terrible habit of blurting it out, in fear of losing it...often at the expense of the person I am talking to....I KNOW I have done this more times than I would like!
You also seem to be able to listen to my opinion on EVERYTHING under the sun. Thanks!
I hope to repay your patience and generosity someday...My phone is always on, so you can call me anytime of the day.

Oh, yeah, before I forget... for SOME reason you have sometimes thought that just because we haven't talked in a day, week or month, that I have gotten tired of you? How silly!
I've never gotten tired of you, and I'm sure I never will.
It's a pleasure being your friend, and I hope we still go to LAM'S when we are 56.

To 2 friends at work...Andy and Laura...I really love you guys. Most people have a bad habit of complaining about work while they are AT work. I riiiiiiiiiily can't stand it!
These 2 wonder folks have always been a pleasure to work with, and I know I will miss them like crazy when I move to my new store next month. Laura has the best stories, works harder than anyone I know, and is always the sweetest person you could know. Andy is by one of the funniest people I have ever known, and he doesn't even know it. this kid is the king of the non-sequitar. I actually look FORWARD to work when I know I am working with one of these guys.

I hope to remain friends with them when I no longer work at the same location.

To old friends who have come and gone, thank you. To the future and whose friends I have yet to meet, thank you.

Thanks to my husband, who has taught me how to know myself, thank you.

Thank you to the Messergirls and their wonderful sugary-sweet kindness and patience. thank you.

And perhaps, one of the most import "people" I know...

Thank you Baby Corn, you taught me patience, forgiveness, how to love, and self-redemption, without ever speaking a single word.

Goodnight, and Happy Possum Day!

See you next year for more, random, rambling thoughts!

YO! love-it love-it!

by far the best show on television that I have ever seen in the history of the world, EVER.

YO GABBA GABA!

Why can't the whole world be as nice as everyday in the land of yo gabba gabba?

So wonderful, a tattoo of foofa may be in order!

DJ lance rock is my new hero.

upcoming seminar and tkd tourny

HEY HEY HEY!

ANY GOOD FRIENDS OUT THERE? ......


HELLOOOOOOOO.......

Heads up to any fun people out there who would like to come support me or just hang out!

Dec 5th......

Coffee seminar,Germantown Starbucks.
7-8 pm.
theme:Holiday traditions!
Come sample some xmas/holiday blend and nosh on some scrumptious pastry.

It is free, it is fun, and I will be wearing my BRAND NEW BLACK APRON!!!!

what may seem silly and insignif to some, is quite a big deal for me! I am officially becoming a COFFEE MASTER as of Monday...bragging rights, an awesome apron that is different from everyone else and did I mention the snooty feeling of being cool?

It will probably be a big group, and it is also the first night of Channukah, so you never know if there will be a little gift waiting for you!


Saturday, Dec 8th
Tae kwon Do tournament, Cedarburg WI!!!!
10 am- 2 pm?
cost: a measly 5 bucks!

Come and watch/video tape me and the "Abster" kick some butt!

We will compete in forms, sparring and board breaking.

Is there a first place medal and trophy with my name on it? Come and find out!
Kids are also welcome, and there will be a snack/lunch area. It is being held at Webster Middle school, just 6 blocks from my house.

Heck, I'll even buy your ticket if you come and watch!

so, if you are bored or stressed from all your shopping woes, need an excuse to yell really loudly at people wearing outfits that look like jammies, come on by and cheer us on!

Sushi MAGIC!

I am newly obsessed with the idea of bento boxes and sushi for lunch...nothing fancy, just California rolls.

Anyone out there really good at making them? Anyone have a rice cooker they don't EVER use and they wanna sell to moi?

They have a pretty nice one up at the Target...less than 30 bucks. Plus I heard of this sushi kit called "SUSHI MAGIC", but I could not find one on ebay for cheap...seems the going rate online is about 25-30 bucks.

Anyhow, I have off of work tomorrow (Sunday) and am feeling ambitious....anyone want to come over and play? we could go down to Trader's and pick up some California roll stuff and make some@ my house! (hint, hint mel...are you bored? we could also eat nachos and watch nacho Libre)


California rolls.....YUMMY!

I was on ebay and found this strange woman obsessed with all things bento who has a blog called BENTO MAMA... Definitely crazy and fun at the same time. she was selling the cutest damn Hello Kitty bento boxes....

By the way, I loves me some SANRIO and all things Hello.

Sorry also for not blogging...laziness/being busy at TKD was taking over the last 2 weeks.

stay tuned for more fun!

random thoughts

So lately I have been pondering the idea of having more children. No, not just child but CHILDREN.
I like the ones we have and can't see why any other Meserpods would be any less lovable and fascinating to obseve on a daily basis.

Drawbacks are the long 9 months of vomiting, terrible mood swings that make me question my entire existence, and fitful sleep. Also, I have no idea what it is like to have to show up for work at 430 in the mornig while being pregnant.

Oh, and I have never really enjoyed potty training very much.

Of course they could very well turn out to be teenagers, which I hear commonly occurs after the 13th birthday.

The "pro" list, of course is much longer.

So very long, actually, that it pretty much overrides the bad stuff.

I think we are pretty good at what we do here (raising kids), and I'm sure that Jeff would be just at good with a newborn as he was with Mallory when i left him in charge. (she was 6 months old when I went to work).

Now, the big question is when would I like to do this? Jeff would be fine with anytime...today, tomorrow, a year from now...whenever I feel like it is a good time.
I 'm not really sure. I was going through a pile of clothes from the baby, and it just sort of hit me....
Am I putting this stuff away for another Messerman, or am I bagging it up to give away forever?

I thought I might be done with babies after Mallory. I even gave away the baby car seats and the baby swings. But those darn newborn onesies kept tugging at my mind and my heart and I just have not been able to give them away.

I was talking to a woman at Tae Kwon Do last week and she said "oh, you'll KNOW when you are done....when someone has a new baby and asks you if you want to hold them and you say 'no thanks!'.....THAT is when you really know!"

Well, I put it to the test, and I guess I don't think I am done yet.

Oh, and the fact that I am approaching 35 sort of gets me thinking about it too. If I were to wait 3 years or so, I woud be REALLLY close to 40, and I'm not so sure about being 40 and standing on my feet all day while pregnant.

so, that is about all I have to say about that.

It is what it is.

it is officially partytime!

Hip hip hooray, tomorrow is a certain co-worker's last day!

This kid is by far the WORST person I have ever had the displeasure of having to work with. Never shows up on time, always call in sick, leaves early, and sits on her ass daily.

Yep, she is finally being transferred out to another store like a pedophile priest being transferred to a new church.

Little do those poor suckers know, they are about to have to work with the finest example of laziness on legs EVER.

Should I reveal her name..no, that would be mean. Let's just say her name rhymes with Dashley or Mashley or cashley or tashley.

I don't drink, really, but I may have to go out and buy a bottle of champagne tonight!

Cheers and good riddance to bad rubbish!

Yippee!!!!!!!!!

So now that is over....

In other news, I had a lovely day at work and an even better store meeting.

I got to lead several parts of the meeting and even better news, the main manager announced.....

"Chana will be leaving our store soon. She will be getting promoted after holiday"

So hooray for me, hooray for the universe and all it's strange twisting plots.

hooray for the messergirls and the future messerkids soon to be placed in our home for us to love forever.

hooray for stay-at-home daddies who decide to throw out the microwave and instead opt to cook everything in pans because it tastes better. Who needs FAST food at home...not this dad!

hooray for jane and her elfin charm, abby and her creative mind and big heart, and for Schminzo the baby with her big, puppy-like smile.

Hooray for Corny and his snuggles, Hooray for Devlin and his long, gorgeous dog-hugs.

Hooray for life and all the journeys that have yet to reveal themselves tomorrow.

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

life is magnificent.

here we DON"T go again!

Well, to conclude yesterday's drama, I waited all day and half of the evening forgoing my tae kwon do class to hear form the baby-momma.

Turns out that after listening to her go on and on with her sordid details of her life currently, she told me where the babies are staying. That's right, she never even brought them home form the hospital, but instead decided to leave them with her sister until she could "find a better apartment"

"besides", she said , " it's not like it's costing her anything...the formula is free through WIC, and I buy the diapers!"

Yeah. right. like staying up all night with two 4 pound babies all night does not "cost" anything.

So long story short, her sister is sick of raising her babies (3 weeks old now) and wants the mom to pick them up asap.

I was figuring that right now I would hear the words "do you still want them?"


no such luck.

Nope, she actually had the nerve to ask if my husband would "mind watching them from 6 am until 3 pm everyday" until she gets off of work. Just until march or april, mind you.

Keep in mind that I had gotten this info at 11 a.m and it was now 8:30 pm.

I wondered all day long what was going on, only to find out that she wanted to have us "babysit" the 2 kids who we were supposed to have adopted as our own.

Gee, thanks for the nice consolation prize lady.

For a moment I had the gut urge to say " Hey, here's a better idea...why don't you go fuck yourself, bitch!"

The urged passed the next moment and I put it to rest. I guess Tae Kwon do tenet #5 " I shall build a more peaceful world" got the better of me ( thankfully) before the words could exit my mouth.

Ah, this too, this too.

Here we go again....

Well, well, how history will repeat itself.

I come hoem to day and my husband tells me he has a sernade to sing...


It goes like this:

Your boss called...lalala
She said tricia left a note...llalalala!
It says EMERGENCY...lalalalal!!!!!

Call back immediately...lalalalalalalal laaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Who is tircia, you ask? HOw silly! she is the mother of the twins we we SUPPOSED to adopt 3 weeks ago when they were born...


more details to follow.

So I am a facist socialist, so what!

with all the hoo ha going on in the news these days with politics and dems vs rep, I say, let's end it all and have some good old fashioned socialism!

we could divide up all the goodies and distribute them equally.....well, almost equally.

I say I give some money the nice kids and families who don't beat the hell out of their kids and go on tirades like Alec Baldwin did. The rest of the assholes and lazy entitles youths go to work on making all the farms organic and converting all the gas powered cars to corn oil and electric.

What's so wrong with a little big brother if big brother isn't really such a bad guy after all?

I don't mind a little surveillance in the home...it keeps you on your toes and makes sure you aren't a nasty pedophile or that you are watching too much "big brother 5" instead of tending to more important matters, like reading a freakin' BOOK!

I mean really, did your parents just let you go around the house unsupervised in the house all day long when you were a kid? NO! Why? Because you would have eaten all the Chocolate fudge topping with a spoon as soon as they left! (ahem, JEFF!)

Same principle here. SO you have to apply for hte right ot have children. Sounds good to me...less blind leading the blind as far as I'm concerned. Maybe people whould have to take a nice parenting class, just like when you have to take driver's Ed. Are you with me?

So who wants to join my new revolution and take over the world?

I mean, if W can run the world, I hardly think i could do much worse!

what's new pussycat?

well, time rolls forward and blogging sometimes falls by the wayside.

anyhooo, things here on the homestead continue to be wonderful and magnificent. Mallory is the grubbiest, cutest baby covered in various food purees I have ever seen. Jane had to be reminded to to eat poop, because, well, it is GROSS! Abby has her next belt in TKD and can now read full books form Dr Seuss.

Yes, time rolls on, and we inch closer to our new adoptive kiddles, and I continue giving fun little coffee seminars...last week, I had a FULL HOUSE! Now I had to get out folding chairs, if you can believe it. I will be moving to Mequon for a couple of weeks, for a brief stay, I think, and then I will be getting a transfer to somewhere else...maybe the falls, maybe west bend....who knows!

Jeff has turned 37, and I did not make him a cake. I have a small excuse I am using to make myself feel less guilty...I have a case of the sniffles, and do we REALLY want a whole cake in the house...I may as well staple it right onto my aish, because that is where it would end up anyhow.

and time continues to pass.

the trees have begun to change, and I am reminded of the passing of time, what is to come....Halloween and all it's ghoulish fun, harvesty good time in the cool air. Soon it will be so chilly that the furnace will kick on, the windows will need their plastic stuck on and boots will be everywhere in the house.

To quote and good man who once quoted another great..."ah, this too....this too."

p.s. thanks for the quote, it is really occupying a corner of my noggin lately.

Oh, joy!

i had been lamenting my recent lack of workouts, and how it was the longest I had gone all year without my usual trips to the "Y", so I dragged my sorry aaaiish to the gym today.

Well, I did what I usually do when it is the first day of the week...I wore the same clothes I usually do, and I stepped on the scale to see if my laziness had done me any damage. I guess, I thought it would be the same as the last time i had been there, or maybe even gone up a pound, but I was still pretty confident that things would not be too terrible?

Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, the digital scale weighed me in as having lost 4.5 GLORIOUS pounds of butt meat!

There is this nice scale that you can enter a code into, and track your first weight, you ideal weight, and it also tracks what your last weigh in was and the date. Well, it did indeed record the last check in date being in August. I stepped on, sort of expecting the same read out as last time...but HOORAY, my aiish is now less booty-ful.


Ah, the joy pf not being able to wear my old favorite jeans....oh, sweet joy of inching ever closer to those size 12 jeans I envision myself in. that makes 25 pounds since feb 12th, when I started using that nice digital brainiac scale, and a whopping 43 pounds since Mallory Min Messerman made her way out of my you-know-where.

goodnight, and don't drink the water in mexico.

one fine piece of aaaaaiiish

After visiting another friend's blog I decided to ceate the uber-hot version of myself...I figure by the time my hair is as long as this, my butt should have fallen off and left the muffin-top alongside the road after a nice jog or bike ride.

Yep, that's right, I am standing in front of all of youse kids with a bra for a shirt....remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine's nemesis is running around town using a bra for a shirt? Same concept here...so....sheck out uber-miffy in all her gloreous hotness!


Some how, i did a lame job of putting the picture here?

me likey to bikey

My lovely friend and I braved the chilly air this morning to go on the fun bike for Wisconsin event today. I think we were both thinking illy thoughts of self-doubt at first, but they were soon eliminated as the wind blew, and the landscape whizzed past us. It is not the easiest thing, sometimes, when people whiz past you in color-coordinated lycra oufits and they weigh less than their bicycles, while you slowly climb the hill! Anyway, we did it, enjoyed it, and felt right at home with the friendly bikers on the road.

The ride was great, and I found all new trails that were close to my very own home here in Cedarburg...how cool to live in the town that the WHOLE state drives to for it's yearly fundraising ride.

Horns Corners road was especialiy gorgeous, with little gentle rolling hills and trees galore. We had a nice little rest stop at The Covered Bridge park...of course, this too was breathtaking in it's loveliness and splendor

Even better than the ride itself was the nice time spent connecting with a good friend who knows me in ways i find hard to explain. She is a good person with a good heart and great intentions for herself. Like myself, she often struggles with the problems associated with mood disorders. I myself have unfortunately suffered through times of such self-loathing, that it was difficult to continue living for myself, so instead I hung in there for others until I could find the strength to love and accept myself.

As time passes, all the notions of self have begun to dissolve and I am happy and grateful for each day that I no longer feel the intense feelings I once did. It is amazing to realize that a person who had been so routinely programmed to not value themselves CAN actually learn to simply like themselves. To whose who may still be in the deep and murky waters of depression, I say, keep swimming, and keep going, pretend if you have to, daily. Eventually you will find your way back to the sunshine and the simple pleasures of life.

I almost killed a little cow this morning

Yep, you read right, I nearly decapitated a small bovine this morning at about 840 am.

NOW before you get all worked up, let me explain myself....

I went to see a lovely doctor named o'meara this mornign for follow up on my wounded paw. He asked if it had improved at all with the month's worth of physical therapy, and I had to say NO, because it was not improving.

SO he asks me if I am willing to try a cortisone shot....I say yes knowing that these foot shots are quite painful...I had one about 12 years ago when I was working on some trails in Colorado during my year with Americorps.

I am not a fan of needles, like many people....I have been known to SKIP doctor appointments when pregnant if I KNOW there is going to be blood drawn that day.

So, I knew it would hurt A LOT, and I knew there would be at least 3 shots involved, so I decided to lay back so I could not see them work on me...good decision.

the nurse hands me a cute little foam rubber cow and says...

"grab this, you;re gonna need it"

me: "uh, what?"

nurse: "really, you're gonna want to hold onto that little cow, TRUST me!"

me; "um.......ah, is this gonna be really really bad?"

doctor and nurse together: " YES!!!"



what followed was a rather comical routine involving me, 2 physicians, a rubber cow and a series of howls that had the nurse and doctor cracking up.

Apparently, they have never heard someone scream out the phrase " OH MYLANTA!!!!" while giving one of these shots.

Just when I thought they were done, I ask " Is it done, was that the most painful part?"

doctor: "well, maybe...I mean, I hope so? Uh, probably, I guess"

Me: " waaaaaaahhhhh,,,, oooooooh, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!"

again, the doctor and nurse found my reaction of squeals and laughter to be surprising.

Meanwhile, I am squeezing the living hell out of the cow.

Doctor: "we're all done here...that was fun! would you like another?"

me: "uh, here's your cow...it really helped! I hope I didn't hurt it"

nurse: "that's okay, most people rip the head off or throw it at us after they kick the doctor in the head"

Me; "man that was painful!"
doctor: " yeah we find it is best not to tell people that it is the most painful shot we give....otherwise they change their minds....you were pretty good about it....most people kick me and swear."

me: "uh, thank you?"

let's hope it does the trick!

I am in love withthe Zutons

I can't get over my newest music crush...the zutons. If you have the album 'who killed the zutons?", please take it out and listen to the railroad song....perhaps the sweetest love song ever. I can listen to it about one million times in a row every single day.

In other news, my hubby is a nut and could not stop being a bloggo. What a little sneak, getting everyone all worked up, and then starting a new one. Drama queen!

Also, the bike ride and wine and harvest fest is this weekend. I am expecting a sore tush, because I have not been on my bike is 3 weeks.

I also have a confession....

I have not been to body pump, or to the YMCA in 2 weeks...no running either....sadly, my heel spur/ plantar faciatis has had me limping around every single morning before work.
A combination of laziness, busy schedule and paw pain have landed me 3 weeks without any real fitness plan.

I am hoping the foot problems will be better in the next few weeks, and then I can get back to my more regular schedule of working out...I miss my body pump class! I miss swimming through the water like a seal! I miss the sound of the treadmill whirring under my feet!

I wonder if acupuncture would help the foot pain?

Wanted: meditation advice/direction?

I would like to ask the question of anyone reading if they have or do use Mala beads. I would like to increase my meditations from my thrice daily mindfulness moments to something perhaps a bit more involved or in depth?

I'm not sure I am using the correct language for what it is I am in want of doing, but as of now, I find myself reading and re-reading writing of persons or sages whose words or messages resonate with me. I also have practice of practicing mindfulness when the alarm on my watch goes off....I have it set to go off 3 times a day, (at a randomly picked hour) and once in the early morning.

perhaps I am wondering if anyone enjoys the use of malas, or if they can offer some guidance as to piking or finding an appropriate mantra?

If you have any information, please let me know!

I gotta bad itch for remodeling

I am currently making my husband insane with my need to move furniture around and redo rooms.

He mentioned(in passing) that we had a 3 bedroom house with 3 TVs in it..... a bit excessive for our tastes. I immediately began to dream up and visualize new room configurations, something I have always enjoyed. I was reluctant to accept his suggestion to remove some larger furniture items from our bedroom/master suite, but after a night of "trading spaces" themed dreamscapes, I awoke with a want and desire to move the furniture.

Let me say my husband is now a bit horrified at the idea of me wanting to spend my first 3-day weekend making him watch me move stuff around, or make HIM help me move stuff around.

I have decided to wait it out, if I can resist the urge, and only make it a smaller mission of just cleaning one room form top to bottom so it looks a little nicer. Nothing major, simply because I have a habit (bad habit) of overdoing things and getting entirely consumed with a "project'

Wish me and my hubby luck.....I really want to move some stuff around, but I should really chose to instead just hang out with them.

later gators!

Bike for wisconsin, come join me!

On Sunday Sept 16th, there will be a fun and scenic bike event. It is an event with the Bicycle Federation of Wisconsin, which helps to ensure there are bike paths, lanes, bike access, improved facilities, etc.

It will be a beautiful ride through the cedarburg area and has rides ranging form 11 miles to 62....personally, I will be going for the 16 mile.

It is a fun time and I am personally excited because Cedarburg has been chosen...after the ride you can spend the afternoon strolling through the quaint streets of Cedarburg during wine and Harvest festival, which is only 3 blocks away form the finish line.

If you have never been to this festival, you should take it in this year....A wine stomp, a tour through the settlement, or a visit to the brat tents.

What better excuse to have some nosh....you will have just finished exercising!

I will resort to begging if I don't get any responses this week, just so you know.

Fat-in-the-ass pants for sale!

Barely used, and only slightly worn, are up for grabs size 26 pants. plenty off room for all of your muffintop and junk-in-thy-trunk.



I am packing up another batch of fat-ass clothes, should you or someone you know need some big-booty pants. Perhaps, you too have a ba-donka-donk-donk, or maybe you are planning or making a scarecrow for your front yard?



Anyhow, here is a picture of my pants of yesterday.....XXXXXXX(blog beotch will post picture here)



Don't get me wrong, thye sure were comfy, but when I tried towear them this morning, they looked rather silly.....there was enough room for a diaper and a couple loaves of bread on each hip, so instead I SQUUEZED myself into some 22's and went off to breakfast at Harry's restaurant in Port washington. they actually have an item listed on the menu as "jewish coffecake". They aren't kidding either, a nice slice with the cinamon on top and you'll be kvelling like a jew at his mother's breakfast table!



Anyhow, enjoy this photo of me in my size 18/20 tshirt with the new size 22 shorts. You have been warned before....push-up bra is being worn for 3-d effect.



Have a lovely evening!

My husband is growing a muffin top

Okay, now don't think I am cruel, but is is possible that my husband has been nesting a bit too much, like most stay-at-homes do. It seems he is starting to fall prey to the "lemme finish that for you" syndrome that happens when you are around kids.
It goes a little bit like this:
"Oh, you can't finish your little cheeseburger? I'll finish for you." Insert any given food item interchangeably, and the mom or dad who stays home will "finish it off".

He is neither flabby or unattractive, mind you...quite the opposite, he is a little bit cuter, but of course we could all stand to slim down. I think it is just that settling -in -to -your -new -job -as a- mom kind of weight.

To be fair, this "pregnancy" ( the adoptive one, that is) is HIS turn to stay home and lounge around, gaining weight little by little.

In related news, I think he hasn't had a shower in about 4 days, and he is in desperate need of a haircut.

You may be thinking he is lazy, or letting himself go, but again, I think it is that 'mom is too busy to get a shower" syndrome that those of us who have stayed home with kiddles know about.

So basically, he is a little squishy, a little shaggy, and a tad stinko.

I still think he's adorable and oh so very scrumptious to nibble on.

Strange enough, he looks good no matter what. Damn him and his cute little eyelashes.

Dogs, the excuse to make nice.

Hey there everyone in bloglandia.

we just came home from the greyhound social in port washington. Twas a lovely evening. We had a nice little dinner at our favorite supper club, Newport Shores. The night concert and gathering were only a block away, right on the lake.

It was nice schmoozing with the fellow grey-lovers and there were also lots of night time boogie-get-down types enjoying their beers and other libations.

Devlin is such a rare type of greyhound, that he really steals the show every time we have a get together.

In other news, I had a good time with a complete stranger. there was an older woman in a wheel chair with oxygen and she was down at the concert with who I can only guess was her home-care nurse-type person. the person who I am guessing was the nurse or caretaker was busy off on the pier with her date. i just wanted to say hello and not have her sitting there all alone and lonesome.

Of course dogs are a great way to walk up to a complete stranger and start up a conversation.
So, I wandered over and asked her if she would like to meet him. Of course, Devy is pretty irresistible, so instead of spending the evening with the other grey owners, I spent it with "Debra", hanging out with Devlin, and watching Jane go down a great big stwisty slide over, and over, and over again.

Just when you think a nice evening couldn't get any better, a schoolmate of Abigail's showed up. (Caleb)

Caleb is s really great kid, and given half a chance we would gladly add him to the messer-bunch. He comes from a single-mom household and you can tell he is sort of shuffled around from relative to relative rather often. Apparently, he was the class bully in kindergarten. Unfortunately, his reputation as "trouble" seems to have spread, and he is not really invited to all the other kids' parties, on play dates, etc.

Personally, we think it is a bunch of bull, so instead, he has quickly become great friends with Abby. Of course it is sometime hard to understand (when you are 6) why your friend can be so 'naughty".
Abby was a little trepidatious about becoming friends with him at first, because he really could act up, but we just explained that he acts that way for attention and that no one really ever showed him how to act any other way. As a result, her kindness and patience have grown on Caleb....He's had dinner with us, hung out at our house, and even borrowed Abby's Sponge Bob PJ's after an evening of wackiness.

As the night wore on, more and more greyhound owners wandered over by Devlin, Debra, and I. What followed really warmed my heart and broke it a little bit. Debra was so taken with the dogs and the attention and human interaction you could see she was really choked up. She took a couple pictures with us and with the other doggies. She really started loving on devy, and she also got to meet Mallory and really seemed to enjoy seeing such a cute baby goo and gah back and forth with her. (Mallory seems to have mastered saying "What?!" this week.)

When I say it made me a little sad, I guess it is because I just wanted to stay there and talk to her a bit longer. It may seem silly, but is was nice to just connect with another person...all she really needed was the same thing we all want, a little lub and some nice company to talk to.

It was getting late, the baby needed her bed, and it was time to head home. Caleb was leaving with some realtive or neighbor (not sure who she was, exactly) and the girls had been playing on the jungle gym for about 2 hours.

I said goodbye to Debra and helped her put on her sweater before we left. It was getting chilly by the lakfront, and I just wanted to give her a little hug before we parted ways.

Well, that's the news in Lake Wobegon, where all the children are happy.

Goodnight Debra, it was nice to meet you.

this just in...

I woke up about 20 minutes ago.

my husband has informed me that I am a "prickly pear"this morning.

I have been told that if I were a pear at the grocery and he were a hand, he would put me back in the pile this morning and pick a pear that would not prickle his paw.

I growled , and we giggled.


aren't the Messerrman's weird?

smooches to my furgzilla, I promise to remove my porcupine quills as soon as i finish waking up.
I need my coffee now.

And now for something NOT depressing!

We will be licensed foster parents by the state in less than 4 months! That means we could be getting to know some kids who need a home very, very soon.

I would think that for the majority of american kids, having a "forever home" before another xmas passes would be very important. My sources say this is indeed a distinct possibility.

I was talking to furgzilla last night and was wondering how the whole "xmas" and channukah thing would pan out in our house...the kids we would be interested are not coming from a jewish home, so I guess we would celebrate both for no, until they are old enough to understand the whold dealio.....bonus! twice the presents, twice the excuse to get spoiled rotten, right?

In other news....

I am getting my first promotion next week, and will also be moving up the sbux ladder again in the near future. I look forward to my new duties, and getting to know more about the business itself.

Also, THERE WILL BE ANOTHER COFFEE SEMINAR ON 8-30 FROM 7-8PM AT THE GERMANTOWN STARBUCKS.

Anyone interested, is welcome, let me know so that I can plan for you to be there. It helps to have more people there...the more the merrier, you know!

Lastly, I had a lovely time at Ikea browsing for bunkbeds on Tuesday.

smootchies and have a great day

Adoption update

Well, Wednesday came and went.

No news, no call back from the birth mother. NO big surprise really, considering that i knew she had put off facing the reality of her situation and it's ramifications for this long.

i don't care to rehash the play-by-play details of the conversation i had with her on Friday simply because I believe the more you replay and relive any situation that is negative or undesirable only bring you more of the same.



Additionally, after having the 20 minute conversation, I left feeling physically sick and emotionally drained.




For those of you watching and waiting to hear the news, here is a list of the gory details I learned last Friday:

1. 
   
   She might be getting evicted in 5 days.


2. 
   
   there are two warrants out for her arrest.....one for crashing her car into some public place, the second is for not paying her (most recent) drunk driving ticket.


3. 
   
   She just beat her cat before coming to work because "the damn thing pissed in the house again"


4. 
   
   She would NOT be giving the twins to her sister because " that crazy bitch has too many goddamned kids"

and last, but not least......

She thinks she "might want to keep them now, because, you know, twins are just kind of cool!"

How lovely!

Obviously, logic and common sense do not apply here.

What is done is done, she will do what she wants to do, and the babies will more than likely suffer as a result. I would imagine that eventually the state will have to step in and remove them from her custody. apparently, she is supposed to be in jail for one of the warrants. Not to mention, a person who beats an animal just shy of killing it is probably not going to be such a quiet caretaker of a crying newborn...much less TWO kids.

Jeff and I have decided that we will not be taking anymore chances with our family for now. It is entirely possible that this chapter to be coming to a close, but only time will reveal the answers. Should these kids end up "in the system", it is also possible that we could be the family who ultimately makes a home for them.

As difficult as it is to know what she has chosen to do, we can hope that all will be well for the children. I have a pretty good feeling that the charm of "having twins" will soon lose it's lustre.

It is simply unfortunate that kids are taken along for the ride.

I've put it off for long enough

well, it has been put off for long enough, and now I will finally do it....


By special request:


BURPY, BURPY, BURPY, BURPY, BURT. Walrus, walrus, burt, burt, BURT.

Your'e welcome, and goodnight.

Wednesday is a big day

Tomorrow is Wednesday and with it comes some big news.

I called up the birth mother on Sunday, and asked her to let me know if she had made a decision regarding the babies.
It seems this weekend was the weekend one of her sisters was getting married, so just about anyone who had an opinion and wanted to voice it to her would be doing it this weekend.

In a nutshell, she was going to take the weekend and the next two days to figure out what it is she wants to do.

I may sound harsh or calloused, but why in the world would someone who thinks they don't want to parent ONE infant decide to change their mind, simply because there are twins now. 2 babies are certainly not easier than one...especially 2 babies at the same time. Of course twins are usually smaller, so that makes them even more difficult to care for.

I know there is no logic to it, and it does not help to even try to figure out what is going on in her mind, but WHY would twins suddenly make someone think it would be a good idea to keep them.


Okay, I have officially vented and am done now.


Anyhow, she told me to call her around 230 on Wednesday. So it is now about 9 pm on Tuesday. I just want to know what she wants to do....Even so, she could"decide" to give the babies up now, and just as easily change her mind 1 week or 2 months from now, or right after they are born, right?

I think Jeff has pretty much washed his hands of it....I guess this is the downside to knowing the birth mother and having an "open" adoption... when it is an anonymous or closed adoption, you don't really have so much worry that they are going to show up at your doorstep and suddenly ask for the baby back.

Whatever she says tomorrow will help me decide what to do....either way, it is not just up to me. I have a hubby and kids who stand to be hurt in this situation if it were to go foul. I remain hopeful, but am unwilling to take any chances when it comes to this family.

let's face it....she is going to do whatever she wants to do with these kids and nothing I can say will change her mind.

there are always other options....of course there are so many kids out there waiting for a family. Seems a shame to see 2 little babies have to go through what I already know her first child (who no longer lives with her) has gone through.

Tomorrow is a big day. And it very well may be the end of this 'pregnancy' Jeff and I have been going through together. already I feel such a loss.
I could say it is easy to walk away now, and not have the pain of knowing these kids personally but it would not be true.

Christ, how in the heck am I going to sleep at night if all I can do is wonder if they are crying all night long, waiting for someone to pick them up.

Unfortunately, I KNOW this is how she raised the first baby, so now I have the picture in my mind of 2 little 5 or 6 pound babies screaming for hours. I wish I had not pictured it, but I have, and now I don't know where to put that picture.

I can't even watch the news, and that is about people I don't even know. I can actulally say it HURTS to watch the news when all they are showing is people suffering and hurting one another.

I know there is nothing I can do, and I know it is not my responsibility. That just doesn't make it any less painful to think of them being anywhere but in a safe, loving home.
I have to remember that wahteveris going to be is going to be. I am going to bed, and hopefully, this worrying is going to be put to rest as well.

UPDATE: dad comes to our house

Well, We decided that since our last meeting with my dad went so well, we would have him over to our house.

About 3 weeks ago, we met him and Marilyn (his wife) at IHOP for breakfast....everything went rather nicely and there wasn't anything negative at all about our meeting.

We called back and forth a couple of times, and decided to have him over.

Well, as I remember, my dad has been notoriously LATE for everything you can think of, including his own wedding to Marilyn.

Marilyn says he is running on "Mexico" time. Tito and I were very used to this as kids. When we would decide to go on vacation, all we would hear for days in advance was: "you guys better be up, ready and have the car packed up by 5 am, because we are hauling outta here EARLY!"

Well, Tito and I would be up, dressed, have breakfast, have all our stuff ready and get and just sit on the couch before 5 am because we knew better.
Something would ALWAYS come up...someone would call from a job he was working on, or he would have to stop at a store for something.

The hours would pass, and we would just sit there waiting to leave....my dad would be running around, telling us we better be ready to go when he got back.

My brother and I would make a little bet on when we thought we would REALLY pull out of the driveway...would it be 8 am, or closer to noon? we never really knew for sure, but my dad would be all stressed out because he never seemed to get things started at his proposed time.

So, anyhow, we had planned for him to come over around 3pm....I set out my usual "guests are coming over" spread on the table..fruit, dip, chips, veggies, etc.

I told Jeff I was wondering what time he would REALLY show up....either 15 minutes early or 2 hours late.

Well, 3 came and passed, 5 rolled around, and at this point, I was getting a little hungry, and so were the kids.

I called his cell phone,and what ensued was a hilarious version of my dad not getting somewhere at the right time.

"oh, I got al little delayed, and then Marilyn told me it was Sunday, and not Saturday, and I told her, "no", it's Saturday. She went to the church, and now I can't leave without her or she will get upset! I feel so bad, oh geez! I TOLD her it was today, and now these people from Peru won't leave the house, they stopped over, and I didn't know they were coming! Can we still come over, are the kids okay, are they getting to hungry, oh, geez, I told her it was today, how am I gonna get these people to leave my house, they are from Peru, and, ah, ah, ah, oh shit!"

At this point I am laughing my butt off because nearly 10 years have passed and it seems something have not changed a bit.

Jeff is constantly making fun of me for not getting from point A to point B without making 3 stops in between. I'll tell him I get off of work at 5 and I will be home at 530, and sure enough, I'll decide to stop at target to pick up some diapers and parer towels. Next thing you know, I am rolling into the driveway at 645 pm.

I guess it runs in the genes?

Well, back to the story.....
It is nearly 545 pm and my dad is calling from his cell phone because, of course my rod is closed for construction about 1 mile from my house. another delay, and he is all worked up...now by this time, I am sure he has taken his big truck off road to get through the closed road and is speeding down the road. He gets here about 10 minutes later an is all apologies...I am not upset, I am just laughing to myself because it is just another funny thing about my dad. NO matter how hard he tries, he is ALWAYS, always, ALWAYS going to be late.

They came in at sat down, we had a really good time. Jeff was practically on the floor laughing form all the strange similarities and wacky stories we were telling. all the fruit and cheese got eaten, the beers were gone, and we had a little wine too. I thought for sure, they would just stay for an hour, but they did not leave until about 10 pm.

It was nice to hear all the updates on everyone. I had not even talked to my brother for over 3 years...last I knew he had one kid, now he has 3, just like we do. A couple people have gotten married and divorced, this neighbor moved away, another person did this, and so on.

I really enjoyed my time with them, and the best part was that neither one of them ever said anything judgemental or asked "why" I had decided not to talk to them for all these years..they just wanted to hang out with us.

So, they left and jeff laughed at me...

"So THAT'S where you get your strange quirks from!"

Yep, that old guy is pretty funny, and all the old garbage seems to have found it's place....not in the present.

another fear vanquished, new goal attained

In other news, I had my usual Wednesday workout last night. It includes swimming and body pump.

here's the great news, however insignificant it may seem to some.

I swam with my face in the water while doing some laps.

Hooray for getting over that silly old claustrophobia feeling!
Now I can finally start working on the timing and rhythm of breathing while have my face in the water. boy. does it ever make you faster.

Cross another goal off the list. Only 3 or 4 more to go!

Son of a bisquick.

hey.

remember last post?

pretty darn happy and amazing, right?

Well, I can't say the same about today.

I had an eerie feeling that the birth mother was having second thoughts today, so I went by her work today on my break. Don't ask me why or how, I just sort of "knew".

Once again, my freaky premonition was correct.

Seems some of her family memebers are trying to talk her out of it and are trying to tell her to "keep the babies in the family until she would WANT them"

Pretty fucked up....sorry again for the language, but I think I have gone through all the stages of grieving in one short day. I am all the way back to a mixture of "acceptance" and "anger" right now.

Anyhow, Jeff and I had very different reactions...his was more of a "lets not get anymore involved or invested in this emotionally"

I feel more like I KNOW she knows we are the best option for these babies, and we should proceed as we were and just EXPECT the best.
I am a big believer in the law of attraction and quantum physics...sometimes to the point of seeming aloof at the everyday concerns and worries most people have everyday. I chooose to think and believe that it is easy and possible to create what you want in your life throught these somewhat equally simple and baffling concepts.

Some people think it is a bunch of hoo-ha, but I would like to point out that I feel I am living about 90 percent of what I consider to be my "best life". The rest is on it's way very soon. Sometime I say to Jeff that I want a certain thing to happen by a certain date, and strangely,(or not)I'll be darned if it doessn't happen, just as it was visualized. Go ahead and think this sound nuts, but some lady did just about the same thing and wrote it down in a book called "the secret" and next thing you know she's on the bestseller list and appearing on Oprah several times.

All the things people want in life are truly possible, and I will continue to believe that these children will arrive peacefully and easily to our home, as newborns, directly from the hospital.

I am sure some of you may be worrying or thinking, "don't get in so deep that you will be hurt if it does not work out"

Simply put, I want those children to have a loving happy home to grow in, and we are ready to recieve them, as soon as they are ready to come into our world.

Think positive thoughts for us and help us to bring those little cuties home to a family they deserve to have from their first day on the outside! Believe in it, or not, but send some positiive energy out into the universe, and let's see if this dream can come to fruition.

Thanks for reading,
Peace and harmony to all my peeps!

HOLY SHIT!

Sorry for the vulgarity, folks, but holy cow, have I got some BIG NEWS.

Are you sitting down?

okay, good.

Here it comes.....

WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!!!

you read it right, twins!

A baby girl and a baby BOY (finally!)
I am so unbelievably happy right now, that I am with out a good description of how happy I am! ME, SPEECHLESS? YEP!

So, I think most everybody knows we were originally looking to adopt a toddler, and were in the process of having a home study done at the beginning of the year. Well the next part of the story is that I ran into a gal I used to work with, and she was pregnant, and not wanting to keep the baby. She was willing to give the baby to us, and we were more than grateful to receive the baby.

Well, that was in March, and we knew the baby was due end of October/November.
The mother was not too keen on going to the doctor, and had been putting it off for a LONG time..I was actually beginning to worry a bit, because she was 4, 5, 6 months pregnant without any prenatal care. But, who's to judge, this baby was coming, healthy, or not, with or without the doctor check-ups.

The mom had been complain that this pregnancy was "Different" than the last, and she was way more uncomfortable and tired, etc.

All I could do was offer to hook her up with the needed connections for insurance and the midwife I had used previously....I urged her to go, and hoped for the best.


That was about one month ago....

SO, I stopped in to see her at her job today and asked how things were.

she says that she went to the doctor.

I was on pins and needles to hear ANY news at this point. I asked if ever thing was okay,and if the baby was healthy, if she was okay, etc.

She says:

"Oh, I'm fine, but THIS one AND THIS ONE are a real pain!"

I was hooting and howling, jumping up and down, and then I realized she might be just kidding me. I asked if she had a definite due date,and then she said:

"End of October....wanna see the ultrasound pictures?"

And there they were, two little cuties, nestled up together.
Picture one: "baby girl"
Picture two: "baby boy"

Can you believe it?
I only found out a few hours ago, and I feel like I am finding out I am pregnant for the first time all over again....I tried to call Jeffy, but there was no answer at home....AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
I had to sit on the news for the next few hours all by myself!

SO now I guess the real preparations need to begin....we gave away all of Mallory's baby stroller/car seat combo thingies and a whole lot of other "new baby" things because we thought we were done with "little" babies.

Holy crap, I got get this place together so Jeff and run the ship while I am at work!

I don't even have the cribs yet? AAAAGGGGHHHH!! Holy cow!

The minivan only hold 7, and we are going to be a family of SEVEN in just 2+ months.

Abby better learn how to change a diaper really, really soon, because Jeff and I are going to have our hands VERY, VERY full, very, very, soon.

Anybody got any "twin" advice for us?

Got any cribs/swings/car seats you have been meaning to get rid of in a garage sale, and have been putting it off?

Send 'em our way, we can use ALL the help we can get!!!

I guess this means I am also gonna have to go shopping for that REALLY little baby stuff, too, like "preemie" size, because they will probably be a lot smaller.
We are also taking name suggestions.

holy shit.

With that said, I leave you....I better get a full night's sleep while I can.

HOOORAY FOR MORE MESSER-BABIES!!!!!

"WAG MORE, BARK LESS."

I saw this bumper sticker the other day. What a great slogan.

My husband and I have a theory that I must be part dog, or have been a dog is a former life.

My bark can be pretty snarling and vicious, but it doesn't really mean I'm a bad dog

I have an incredible sense of smell. Not always the best thing when there is a dirty diaper in the house.

I like to ride with my head out the window.

I love to have my head scratched. Seriously.

I get excited when people come home, and have been known to look out the window, just waiting for them to return.

I have been known to whine a lot when my food dish is empty. I also like to drink a lot of water.

I get very annoyed when my nose is too dry. I Neti pot rather regularly to keep a moist nose. Sounds weird, but it is very true.

I like my bed to be full of lots of pillow and have to rearrange them until I am comfy. My chihuahua has the same problem.

sometimes I wag my "tail" when I am excited.

I am always ready for a long walk followed by a even longer nap.

I am very loyal, and can keep loving people, even if they have been rotten to me.

yes, it's true, I am part dog.

Wanna go for a walk?

love what you do!

Sounds kinda corny to some people, but that is the slogan an SBUX, and I really think it is a great one.
It is so nice to get up in the morning (sometimes 330 in the morning!) and actually look forward to going to work...imagine that.

I get to go play with coffee all day long and watch people's faces and eyes light up over and over again. Seems hard to believe that doing something as simple as knowing what someone drinks (Iced Decaf venti americano, extra cream) can rally make someone genuinely happy.

I just came home from work and I had another great day.I was at work from 430 this morning, and it is already 6pm and it feels like I was only there 4 or 5 hours.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely cherish the days off. All the other I jobs I had would take advantage of a person who will always show up and do their job well.

Not Starbucks...they only schedule you 5 days a week and NEVER EVER ask you to work overtime. A rested Barista is a happy Barista!

Another great thing about my job is all the great benefits and how there is always something new to learn. It really is an art, and if you take it seriously, a regular old Latte' can be quite delicious and magnificent if made with a little bit of love.

I like my co-workers, even if half of them are neurotic, and actually look forward to seeing them, even the complainers, if you can believe that!

Did I mention all the free drinks you care to have while you are working?
Yummy!
Anyhow, it is just nice to know that I can work in a place that really does it's best to provide a great place to work.

'nuf said!

Update: reconciliation with the Dad

Well, I did it, I took a step I was so sure I would never EVER take...I called my Dad. I got his voicemail, which, strangely, was a very bittersweet moment. It may sound a little weird, but His voicemail still has the same recording I put on his phone over 15 years ago.

How Bizarre to hear myself talking, when I expected him to answer. I gotta admit, it was a moment. I had some old tinges of "what am I doing?" and "am I REALLY ready for this? Is this the right thing to do"

I decided to quiet my mind and be as direct and concise as possible....anyone who know me, knows that I am not known for my "short" conversations. If anything, I am a prattler, a storytelling type of person, stream-of-consciousness, if you will, but out loud.

So here is a transcript, in a condensed version:

Me- "Is this the old man?'

him- "why jess, is this Chana?" (imagine somewhat whick Mexican accent)

me- "how are you, did you get my note?"

him- "yes, yes, I did, it was very nice. I'm getting old over here! Before ju know it, they will be puching me around in de wheelchair! How are you?"

Me- " everyone here is healthy and well....so, would you like to get together sometime?'

him- "oh, yes, most certainly, would you and your family like to have some brunch on a Sunday...we could meet somewhere, if that makes you feel alright?"

me- "that would be nice...."

The rest of the conversation was actually quite nice. I could tell he was trying to contain his happiness that I had called. I could also tell he was just trying to get the conversation completed without crying.

In a word, if felt nice to hear his old banter and to know that he had absolutely NOTHING BAD to say..I would imagine that he knows he is sort of on a "probationary" trial with me. he did not want to know where the house was, or what my home number was. It was as good as I could have wanted, actually.

I think we will take him up on the invitation, but I am not quite sure how soon.

That phone conversation took place almost 2 weeks ago, and he has not called me back since then. I think he knows that this is a sort of "don't call me, I'll call you " sort of arrangement.


For almost 20 years I had the most horrible dreams about my father. I would wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, choking on my own fears, sometimes screaming for help. Some nights I would be unable to fall back asleep, for fear the dream would pick up where it left off. All the dreams would be worse than anything I had ever imagined, but they persisted, no matter how long my husband could tell me it was not real, that he was there with me, and that all was safe and well.

Since the "telling him off" situation from last year, the dreams have slowly morphed...my dad would take on a minor role in a dream, or he would just be riding in the car with me somewhere, for absolutely no reason. Now he hardly ever shows up in my dreams,and they certainly have not been nightmares for quite some time.

It's nice to know that even the deepest wounds are capable of healing themselves with just a good amount of patience and careful introspection.

Five more months until the next TRI!

December will be here before we know it. As I drove past soccer fields tonight on the way home from the Y, I thought? Geez, winter will be here and outdoor sports will only consist of lameness such as the neadertal sport of choice...football.

The whole Tri thing is definitely becoming more and more addictive with each passing day. When I go for a run, for a small moment I think: "can I REALLY do this?"

Yes.

When I am in the pool, I visualize swimming in the open waters, which could be cloudy and choppy. Is the open water more difficult to maneuver? I think not.

To be honest, the least favorite leg right now is the bike....I used to travel long distances as a teenager on my bike, but as time has passed and weight has found it's way to the midsection, the idea of pedalling along and having my boobs move up and down is just a little annoying.


No matter, I will do it anyway and enjoy every strangely comic moment of it.

Yesterday was swimming and run. Today was swim, then weight training. I even tried to practice changing into my clothes quickly....it sort makes the idea of the "transition" in the Tri seem all that much more real.

Visualizing was very helpful in quieting an otherwise pretty noisy mind today.

also, the whole Spanish-only thing in the house has been lots of fun.

I think Jeffy likes it because he is somehow pretending my name is "Lupita", his dirty little Hispanic maid.

There has been a lot of "Si senorita" going on around here!

Blah, Blah blah, yada, yada, blah

In the ongoing and everyday renewed quest to try and un-do and do less everyday, I have decided that I should just speak less when I feel the need to speak more.

Today when I got to work I was really very annoyed at my 2 co-workers because they were late AGAIN. I get to work at 420 A.M. That's right, a.m.

The store opens at 5 a.m so there is only about 25 minutes to make everything you need to start serving those folk who get up riiiiiily early in the morning.

When there is only 25 minutes, if someone is late, we cannot go into the store until they get there, so if they are 5 or 10 minutes late, guess who gets to bust their ass making coffee and tea and ice and everything else...moi.

If it were only once in a while, I wouldn't mind, but when it is the same 2 people, every single time, it gets old real fast.

So instead of stomping around, or being sarcastic, or commenting at all, I decided to follow that old-school style mom advise.

if ya can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

I just wanted to simmer my Latina-hot-blood-thirst temper. Well, it worked great. I felt just great and it wet a good tone for the day. Of course my fellow starbuckians were a little weirded out that I was not in my usually great 430 in the morning mood.

Anyhow, I worked so well, that later today, after having a flurry of thoughts and stupid self-doubting moments I turned to Jeff and said:

"that's it. I'm going silent for the next three days until this blows over"

Of course, he was ready to call my bluff and said: "Why don't you make it 5 days?"

We have tried this before for and hour or 4 or 5, of for an entire evening....seems easy enough, but try it with 3 kids and it seems a little more complicated at second glance.

Anyhow, I thought, why not? I was thinking a good way to communicate the necessary was to speak in Spanish, or to switch to Spanish-only for the kids because they are far from being fluent yet.

No sooner had I thought it, than Jeff says : "solo Spanish?

Abby and I laced up our shoes and I got ready for another run with her. she only needs her shoes. I , unfortunately, have to put on a large arsenal of bras to keep my "girls" form smacking me in the face. Seriously, who wants to show up for work with a pair of black eyes?

(co-worker): "oh, my, chana has black eyes, is her hubby beating her?

(me): "uh, no, sorry, I just went for a 2 mile jog...forgot to put on 3 sports bras...oops"

All joking aside, we had a great run...this time she had a hard time keeping up with me...I guess I must be getting a little faster? I only answered in yes/no, or in Spanish.....man, can that kid talk a lot! I know where she gets it...Jeff and I are definitely not the silent types, but we are trying to change that a little bit.

So here we go on another silly messerman-style experiment with our kids in tow.

Saying less is always a pretty good policy. President Bush should try it more often.

Check out this cool clip of blah blah blah...it says it all, except Jeff did not draw me wearing my strawberry bucket-hat.

If you call the house and someone answers in Spanish, don't worry, you got the right number.

not too flubby to get some lovey

I just came back form the YMCA in our area. I am working on improving my swimming so that I can someday keep up with my friend Mel. (she is super fast in the pool).

So I am doing this Triathlon thing to the best of my knowledge. basically, my "knowledge" consists of this: I have to be able to swim 400, ride 15 and run 3 one after another all in one day.

By the way, I have no prior skill or training in the area other than that I am bullheaded enough to think that I can do it. I figure that I know that I can run three miles, I know that I can ride 15 miles, and I certainly can do 8 to 10 laps at the pool, so who says I can't do it all together? I am stubborn enough to think that it would be somewhat like giving birth...it takes a long time and you get really tired and thirsty, and somethings are going to be sore afterward.

sounds simple enough.

SO I have been trying to work up my lung capacity and stroke, speed and endurance in the pool by warming up all my muscles in the hot tub for 10 minutes and then plunging into the pool lap lanes and alternating between swimming front stroke and then flipping over and doing backstroke to catch breath, work my muscles differently.

Mind you, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.

Plus, I am afraid to swim with my face in the water, so I know it slows me down a lot.

Seriously, I have no idea what I am doing. I guess I figured I look ridiculous, but it is not a beauty pageant, and that is not why i am doing it. I just want to figure out how to make the water move past me better/more efficiently, so I have sought some help from an instructor....I am going to sign up for some private lessons.
what I should really do, is have MEL over, because she is like the gazelle version of a person in water...super sleek and cool...she was on a swim team, I think, and seems to know what the heck she is doing. she can even do those cool flip over and turn around things when you want to go the other way ( yep, I even don't know what that is called.)

So, I have to get to "the love."

I have long been ashamed of myself and what I look like. Pretty much from when I was a young girl I understood that you had to be thin and pretty to be liked and loved. Of course that is total nonsense, but this is not a realization that comes so easily. I have been know to refer to my mid section as being "flubby"

You listen to people tell you baloney for long enough when you're a kid, and you begin to accept it as truth.
Never mind that these people are complete idiots.

So I think that I have walked through life thinking I cannot wear tank tops, shorts, swimsuits, etc (anything else that most women dread)
Thing is, when you are hot, a long shirt and pants sucks. It is a lot easier to move and work in clothes that were meant for what you are doing. I have come to terms with the fact that if I want to keep doing Tri's I am going to have to ear a wetsuit at some point.

guess what? I'm ready now!
What changed, is that I think with trying to let go of all the old baggage from have 2 total dips for parents, and realizing that not all men are evil and out to get you.
I mean, I was nearly raped by a boyfriend (and survived to kick him in the balls), molested by 2 family members, and I 'm still standing. if people who I knew and trusted tried to hurt me and did not succeed, I DOUBT that a complete stranger can even come close to hurting me.

I mean, come on, I have wrestled my way free from more than one attacker, and that was when I was much, much younger, and not even close to as strong as now.

I think somehow, in the very recent past, I realized that I cannot be made the victim unless I exude fear and timidness.

So, today Iwalked into the hot tub full of 40/50 something men and sat right down next to them.

In the past, I would avoid going in, or wait until it seemed less threatening to me. That age group of men is tied to some very raw/scary memories. I seem to be hard wired to look down, look away, or just zoom past a group of guys this age.

something must have changed because I guess it doesn't matter if they are thinking I'm

fat.

ugly.

stupid

weak

don't belong

I don't know what they are thinking, and for that matter, I don't really give a flying you--know-what.

I think of all the freedom this attitude brings with it and I hold my head high and look them right in the eye if they look my way. those days of being scared and timid are over.

Guess what? it WORKS!

I was talking about the weather and other such niceties. I left the hot tub and hit the pool. I swam long and hard, telling myself I have just as much a right to be in the lap lanes and those sleek, cool, seal-like creatures who are fit and trim.

I really enjoyed the swim and was amazed that swimming 440 was just as easy as 300 or 200 from the week before.

I decided to hit the hot tub one last time to run the jets over my sore feet from work.

As I was about to sit down, a 30-something guy said:

"hey, was that you swimming all those laps back and forth?"

(me) "yep"

(him) "wow. That was really cool to watch. Dang!"

(me) "thanks"

He decided to show a little lub to the gal who is a little flub.

Life is sweet in all it's magnificence.

'nuf said.

Coffee Seminar next thursday!

I am hosting monthly coffee seminars at the germantown sbux. they consisto of me picking a theme and/or coffees and presenting them for tasting and study.
Last month was lots of fun. The theme was "it's summertime! Terraza blend and Tanzania.

so the fun part is that I pick the coffees or the theme and then I find a "perfect pair" for them.

We sit around sip the coffees, taste the pairs and sip some more. I tell the peeps who come about the coffees. About the farms, the processing methods, aroma, body, etc.

It is really a lot of fun. So, the next one is on Thursday the 19th from 630-730 pm.

The featured coffees this time are Gazebo blend and House blend. Plus I will be making a fun Iced version of Gazebo with oranges and limes.mmmmmm! citrusy and yummy.

In other fun Sbux news, I found out that the district Manager wants me to have WEEKLY seminars, but the store does not have the amount of labor hours to afford to have me do it.

I also get to do the "coffee masters" program now instead of one year form now, which is super cool. You get a black apron that says 'coffee master" on it, which may seem silly to some as something to get excited about, but I am super happy about it.

Although I am having a great time with my "coffee journey" at the sbux, it is not completely without minor problems. There are other partners who have been with the company much longer than I have, and they have their own issues with why I get to do all this cool stuff, and they do NOT. They say it is not fair and that I have not been there as long as they have. I really do not let it bother me because it is my job, and I truly am passionate about what I do. I love the company, what it stands for, and all the great things they do for their employees from the growers all the way to the baristas.

It is definitely, without a doubt, the best place I have ever worked. I can easily see myself working there in 20 years. I know people may think it is a "corporate" company, but this "big" company does so much more for each partner, each farmer, each community than any other coffee purveyor I have ever heard of.

Enough about my love for all things starbucks.

If you are available on Thursday night, and would like to come and taste some coffee, lemme know, and I will save you a spot!

In other news, I have PMS and have decided that in order to keep my husband from throwing out my strawberry-picking ice cream bucket, I will wear it as a hat.

look away, this is not a pretty sight.

Is the shoto farm still able to have picking? Am I too late for the berries? I wanna make more jam!!!!!

later gators.

The joy of NOT doing.

Lately I have decided to do less.

talk less, think more.

worry less, work on self more.

preach less, practice more.

frown less,laugh more.

grumble less, thank more.

scold less, praise more.

regret less, aspire more.

hate less, love more.

seems easy enough on paper, it is a list of things just about any person would agree is a good thing to do less of/more of. Strange thing is, it only takes one moment of one day to start UNdoing the good stuff and begin to fall into old habits, old patterns, old ideas, notions, thoughts, dogmas, old and more familiar ways of doing just about EVERYTHING we do in any given moment.

I put a bracelet on in the morning a couple days a week simply because I dislike wearing bracelets when I work. They get in my way, and the get wet and annoying. Why wear the bracelet, then? because it is a physical reminder to manifest that which I choose to call my own ideology. Too quickly the gossip and drama of the job can suck you into the mean and vicious web of negativity.

The bracelet is gently and silently nudging me...."psst! remember me? Remember what you said you wanted to do today and what you wanted to NOT do? Just thought I would remind you, silly!"

Some days I could use 19 bracelets, a necklace, some nose rings and an arrow through the head, just to stop myself form doing all the wrong things.

Today was another nice day.

Didn't even need the bracelet.

why beaners love breakfast

Jenny Bertram and her sweet handsome hubby ( who I just met...again) invited the messerclan out for some tastiness at Beans N Barley. Immediately, I knew that I would be ordering the black bean tostadas with extra tomato, no scallion, with toamatillo green salsa.

Yes, it was before 9 a.m. and yes, I had it with a side of guacamole and Spanish rice and the lords cheeeeps. (see nacho libre for the reference.)

My hubbaloo did the usual blushing/eye roll when I asked the waitress if I could have lunch. He will never join me in my need for all things "lunchy" in the early morning. I also had a blue sky cola and an "orange rabbit" juice.

I used to work for the landmark theatres in my single days and would eat this same meal about 4 days a week, spending about 60% of my very low wage earnings at the time to pay for this glorious foodiness.

It has been well over a year since I ordered it, and thankfully, the meal has remained delicious in it's simplicity.

Why in the world would I eat sweets for breakfast when I could have salsa be a part of the meal?Both jenny and her hubby (whom I hope to meet again someday, for the first time) had the huevos ala cubana.....a meal I eat in my home about once a week when I have off in the morning.

scrambled eggs

black beans

salsa

tortillas

chorrizo (when I can find it)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

It is so nice to eat food that doesn't put you into a carbohydrate coma. I'm not sure what I enjoy more, the actual eating of the food, or the act of preparing it. Cooking these old favorites bring a flood of sensory memory with them. I am always happy to be making beans and eggs for breakfast.

My hubby talked and talked all morning long, to the point where I actually thought he was talking too much and so darn fast, I was feeling a bit dizzy. ( I am a VERY fast talker, so this is probably the 3rd time I have thought he was too fast for me)

Jenny has a face with a smile that is beaming and beautiful, like sunshine after a cloudy day. It was soothing and relaxing to be in the presence of a person who did not feel the need to complain, bitch and/or moan about a single thing. Her husband also had a calming effect. Someday, I hope to meet him.

the children grazed on delicious wheatcakes and MIN (mallory) had a face full of guacamole...it is fun to watch her make faces when she is acclimating her tongue to a new flavor or texture of food.

My old favorites from the grocery store were also available...vegan cupcakes form east side ovens, and poppy seed cake with butter cream frosting. I took some home for later and look forward to enjoying them, as I remember the crazy days of working at the movie house.

A special thanks to Jenny and her husband (even thought I have yet to meet him) for treating us to breakfast...had I known she was paying I would not have ordered all those tasty extras, but I can honestly say I do not feel guilty for doing so. Jenny and her husband have the aura of doing a good deed for the simple enjoyment of sharing the love.

I have not known jenny for that long, and I have NEVER met her husband, but I feel as if I have known her before, somehow...maybe we were pet iguanas to some strange old man one thousand years ago. I think she probably makes a wonderful sister and a all-around good friend. I hope to call her up soon and see her or her husband at their office to work on some foot pain I have been dealing with for about a year.

Better yet, it would be nice to have them over again....our last meal(feast!) was wonderful as we dined on pasta salads overflowing with fresh garlic and pine nuts, salsa, dip and cheeeps, and a dessert fit for a king...homemade chocolate mousse and fresh cool strawberries.

Anytime youse kids feel like swinging by the Messerpad, let us know. I can whip up the spinach penne pasta salad in a flash. same thing goes for any of you other friends out there!

fogive and foget? I think I'm ready

I am a survivor of a rather traumatic childhood. Sure, I was not denied food or shelter, and my basic needs were met, but i guess you can say I have survived every kind of abuse on the books.

My parents were definitely not the best. Most assuredly, I am in a category of people who have found a way to not repeat all the physically, mental and sexual abuse that was inflicted upon me. Someway, somehow, the cycle has stopped here with me and my family. We are not spankers. We are not hitters. We are not "yelling"type of parents. Our kids know what we expect of them because we have found a more humane and compassionate way of existing with them as a family.
Of course any parent has had their moments when they throw in the towel and yell at the kids, but for the most part, this is a very rare occurrence at the Messercamp. My six year old even knows that she can tell me I am stomping around, or seem impatient with her. I think it is her right a sentient being to be able to say: "hey mom, you are being a little crabby!" I know that coming from the background I come from, I am sort of predisposed to have an angry outburst, a loss of patience, and just bossy tyrannical behavior. These of course, are habits and behaviors I seek to change and diminish as time passes.

So many of my memories of childhood are sad ones. On the other hand, any child, no matter how poorly treated, can find the good in their flawed parent.

I have come to a new crossroads in my relationship with my own father. He was, indeed, an abusive, controlling, tyrant of a parent. He beat my mother, beat up on my brothers and sisters, and scared the crap out of me on a daily basis. He felt the need or want to control just about anything imaginable. I knew someday I would grow up and move away, and I did just that when I became engaged to Jeff. I sent him a letter and let him know that I no longer wanted or needed him in my life. That was nearly 10 years ago.

As recently as my last pregnancy, he found a way to sort of "track me down" He showed up where Jeff worked, and sort of snooped around hoping to run into him. He found a way to leave voice mails for him at work begging me to contact him. So I called him back, 6 months pregnant, and ranted at him. I let him have it, just like I had dreamt of doing for so many years. I let him know that if he ever came around, I would pretty much go postal and kick his ass....don't forget I've had plenty of training in martial arts, and he is 67 years old now....I felt pretty confident that the mother in me would take him out.

Now it is over a year later, and I am having a change of heart. I am beginning to be able to see the other side of my dad. He was and always has been a pretty funny guy. He's got a strange sense of humor, and seems to want to do nice things for people. I have plenty of memories of what a strange and wacky guy he could be on a good day.

Upon more reflections and trying to understand the nature of the illness that is bipolar, I see much more clearly that he was subject to his own demons. He had survived an unimaginable amount of abuse and was an orphan at about the age of 8. He lived on the streets with his brother who was only 2 years older than himself.
that's gotta mess a guy up a bit.

I am beginning to look in the mirror at what it is about myself and what I have changed and continue to work on. I can see a bit more clearly now that we share some of the same problems.
His actions should, by no means, be excused. He chose to behave the way he did. He did the things he did because he chose to do them. But I wonder even more about those more lucid moments....where did that come from? How could he be so darn nice, and so damn funny, yet have this Jekyll/Hyde side that would allow him to beat on a child until they we a crumpled mess on the floor? It had to come form somewhere, and I think I see now how all that is so very possible.
I used to judge myself so harshly when I would have a moment of impatience,annoyance or jsut damn anger when it came to those I love. I know now wher it comes from and why. perhaps I have judged a man, instead of simply judging his actions.

Perhaps it is time to offer an olive branch of non-judgement. Perhaps I can find a way to co-exist with the creature that I remember needing a hug at the end of a long day, who liked to laugh long and hard at "the three amigos" over and over again. Perhaps I can let go of the pain that was inflicted upon me and decide to be in control of the relationship, instead of being the one who is controlled.
I miss having someone to speak Spanish to, to go to the Mexican store with, to eat all those strange foods my hubby thinks are completely weird to have for breakfast. When I think of the things and the memories I miss, I see now that they are connected to the very man who I have hated all these years.

maybe I can find a way to hold onto those good things, those good memories, those good parts of him, and let go of that which I do not care for.

I think it is time to move on and move forward. I will write my father a note and invite him to know my family as it is now. I am in control of the relationship. I am no longer the child who was subjected to all those terrible events and if this new version of the reationship does not serve my needs, or does not meet the criteria my husband and I have, then we will just not continue to have it.

I think I am ready for this new chapter in my life.